Oh My English (Part 1)

This post is not about parodies, Death or even Idiopathic Anaphylaxis. This post is about the English language and the hilarious snippets which I overheard (they talked way too loud) or from conversations which I had or read. Some made me cringe, smile or burst out laughing. And since laughter is the best medicine, let me share today's post and tickle your funny bone.

1. Excuse me, I can waiting here?

2. I is not knowing. I is do not know.

3. Hello, my nang is ..... (He meant NAME)

4. If you wants to knows more about this particular product, you can seeing Mr. So and So.

5. I cannot speaking English very well. But I WRIKE quite well. (Yes, I can tell that you WRITE extremely well.)

6. Do not running. If you running very fast, you will falling down on your face and it will be brokeRNS.

7. Blinks-blinks that I own. (She meant bling-bling! But it makes me wonder to how many blinking eyes we can own!)

8. If you do not understands the questions, you can always askings me.

9. Is your ear paining? Do you feel paining if I press this part?

10. Conversation between nurse and patient (double-checking patient's data before procedure)
Nurse: When is your birthday?
Patient: My birthday not yet arrive. My birthday long time more.
Nurse: .............. When you born?!
Patient: Oooohhhh... You want my date of birth, you mean.
Nurse: Yes, your BIRTHDAY. I want your BIRTHDAY!

11. (Just before the school bell rings)
A mother: It is going to be 3.30pm. My childrens will be finished soon.

Finished INDEED!

The End of the World - 21.12.2012

So tomorrow is THE day. The day where the world is supposed to end.

This might be my last post. And this might be my last night. Our last night on the beloved planet Earth.

In order to brace ourselves for whatever that might happen at midnight, I've compiled a short list, which I named 'The Ultimate Hollywood's End of the World Survivor's Kit'.

1. Asteroid
If asteroids are the cause for tomorrow's end of the world, we should have sent a group of welders led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck 18 days ago 'cause 'They didn't manage to put the bomb down in a hole 800 feet onto a fault line. Thus all that we're gonna have is a real expensive fireworks show.' And as our world comes to an end, we ought to allow Steve Tyler to screech serenade 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' to send us to the other side. Thank you Harry! Thank you Armageddon!

2. Ice Age
If you encounter the eye of the North American superstorm, make sure you run to the nearest library and burn all the books to keep yourselves from freezing instantly. If you have vending machines around, just break them for food. By doing so you will certainly be alive to see The Day After Tomorrow.

3. Zombies
Zombies are just listless, shuffling Walking Dead. They can't run fast. They all look emaciated. They all make the same gurgling sound. And they are all brainless. So if you find yourselves cornered and trapped in a house with all these Walking Dead clamoring at the front door, look around and escape through the BACK DOOR! Cause non of them will be there. Thank you Walking Dead for this crucial point which you so willingly shared with us. Oh, and before you escape, throw a dead corpse for them to enjoy!

4. Aliens
If indeed the aliens decide to drop by on tomorrow's auspicious date, make sure you DO NOT cross paths with them. But be sure to not wash your hands, brush your teeth, wash your bum-bum after doing the big business, but sneeze everywhere 'till your mucus spews all over and spray your saliva as far as it can get. Why? Because the aliens do not have the immunity against our bacteria. WE do. So if the aliens do come by tomorrow, we'll definitely have won the War of the Worlds even before it has started.

And if you are caught in a war with the Falling Skies, make sure you get your lady impregnated during the midst of uncertain times. THAT will surely spice up your life while you are constantly trying to hide and outrun the mechs, skitters and harnessed children! I wonder how on earth are they going to keep the baby from screaming when they need to hide from the mechs and skitters???!

5. Flood
You should have just build that damn ark! 2012 taught us that! Damn!

The Twilight That Was Totally Out Of Zone!

I have been going through nights of crashing in front of the idiot box as a result of the insomnia. The other night,  I 'marveled' at the audacity of the producers of this show. I mean, who in their right mind would ever have thought of Twilight being successful? After watching a half-hour of one of the trilogy, I switched the TV off and decided to finish the shows by reading the Wikipedia.

Below are 10 VERY important points that I've learned from this show:

1. In order to look like a vampire, you must look as though you've fallen into a pail of flour. You got to look like a person fit for pantomime. Or as pale as Death. Oh wait, vampires ARE dead. Silly me! Oh never mind....

2. In order to eradicate your enemy once and for all, you must get rid of the 'surprise element'. You must announce in a LOUD VOICE to your enemy that you are there in order to give your enemy time to charge, fly into the air towards you and crash into you as the both of you try to crash into as many trees as possible so that THEY can kill you instead. Did I just not make PERFECT sense?

3. In order to attract drop-dead gorgeous guys in your life, you must be/have:
a. WEEPY
b. PATHETIC
c. EXTREMELY LOW-SELF ESTEEM
d. MOPEY
e. THE MOST SOUR-PUSS FACE EVER

4. If you want to kill yourself, you must do it in style. Do it in ITALY. In front of a crowd. And before you die, you must disrobe yourself. Which brings me to my next point.

5. Vampires DO NOT combust into flames in sunlight. They SPARKLE!!!!! Which means they have in-born bling-blings!!! How envious!!!!!

6. Even if you are a vampire which is over 100 years old, you MUST attend high school in order to appear mysterious, and dangerous so that girls in school have something to gossip about fawn over. (And it is VERY important that as a vampire you must blend in as your identity must be kept an absolute secret.)

7. The vampire 'claims' that as a result of an 'adrenaline rush', he is able to run at super-duper-speed and stop the out-of-control car with his hand and crunch the car instead with his 'adrenaline-rush-super-powers'. WOW! In that case, I need to stock up on Epi-Pens.

8. If you really LOVE someone and want to PROTECT them, announce the break-up in the middle of the forest and then leave them all alone and LOST in the forest so that they can be another vampire's meal. That's the POWER of LOVE!

9. There ARE herbivore vampires!

10. In order for girls to be swooning over the show over and over again melodically, have Bruno Mars write and sing 'It Will Rain' and forever Twilight will be seared in your hearts and minds as you hear that song on repetitive mode! (No wonder it's been raining 3 to 4 times a day over here!)

11. Oh and yes, before I forget, if you want the greatest sex in the entire world, be a vampire. Nothing beats vampire sex!

The Lemon Life

Lemons are sour.

And there is no doubt about that.

So what do you do when life throws you lemons?

You squeeze out every drop of that sour lemon juice. And you add water and sugar to it.

In short, you make lemonade.

And you drink every single drop of it. Even to the very last drop.

Why?

Because that lemonade is going to give you a boost in vitamin C which is a great immunity booster that will help you to ward off viruses.

So in future, if you get lemons thrown at you, pick it up, slice it into half, squeeze out every drop of its juice, and then smile and say, 'Lemonade, anyone?'

24 Hours

If I had 24 hours left to live,

I would definitely not waste it on grief.

If I had 24 hours left on this Earth,

I would certainly spend it in mirth.

If I had 24 hours left to be in this body,

I would not waste it on a dandy.

If I had 24 hours worth of breath,

I would not go through it worrying about Death.

I would spend 24 hours 

Being dizzy with Life

Inhale the beauty of the Flowers

Into the deepest ocean I will dive

Climb the highest tower

And view the world's greatest splendor

I would live 24 hours

Bathing in all range of colours

Run through the fields of gold

And hear the raindrops with all their beauties untold

Glide to the highest point of life

And fly with the eagles of bold

If I had 24 hours left in this life,

I would not strive,

For when one crosses over the chasms of eternity,

24 hours is but for a moment. 

Dead Man Walking

Am I there?
Am I not?
Have we not arrived the day before midnight?
But yet I had thought...

Bed of roses
Growing through the thorns
Just like Moses
Who struggled through their groans

The dead man walking
Through these endless tunnels
Though my heart beats in me,
The chasms of darkness

The boisterous slaughter
Of an apple gone bad
It wounds ever after
Though the incision was in precision

The dead man walking
Bursting forth
From six feet under
And no more
Left, right, front and centre
Like an eagle he will soar
Out of the grave
The dead man walking
This ship will no more be a-docking
Sailing in the seas of poison and wine.

The dead man walking...

The Paparazzi Plague!

'Eva Longoria stumbles on sky-high heels!' screams the headlines. I have nothing against Eva Longoria except that her bit*hy, whiny character on 'Desperado Housewives' do get on my nerves whenever I happen to come across it when I am flipping channels.

Anyway, I too stumble, even with both feet FLAT on the ground. Isn't that newsworthy too? I mean, who the hell cares that she was wearing sky high heels and was struggling to walk on them? Practically that tiny stone that you throw will hit at least 10 women with *uck-me-heels. 

It is as if we are living in times of 'We-Want-To-Know-It-All-Even-The-Colour-Of-Their-Shit'. Yeah, so they dyed their hair green with streaks of purple and red and shaved a star-shape-out-of-it. So it seems that they eat their fish and arrange the fish bones in alphabetical order after they're done eating. So he screams and jumps on the couch proclaiming his love for her. So what?! 

This obsession has become so unhealthy, that it feels totally surreal to the point that people are making it into a religion and fantasy is worshipped. And if you worship fantasy, there will come a time where you will fall so hard and deep into the chasms of Tinkerbell that you might never, ever return from the 'NeverLand'.

Imagine being 50 and getting a heart attack as a result of reading Eva Logoria's sky-high stilettos breaking into half.

Truly.

Tragic.

The Rose of Sharon

Once upon a time, there was a garden in the land of the unblemished, called the Garden of Cinagro. To say that the garden was a place of beauty was an understatement. It was bursting with colours which boasted of all range of hues. The fragrance could permeate one’s soul and saturate one’s senses with its glorious beauty to the state of tranquillity. And the place was humming with life. The garden was practically oozing with life. And it was the envy of all the other gardeners.

Why was it special?

Why was it different from the rest of the gardens?

It was because of the person who tended it. He was known as The Gardener.

He knew each and every plant and flower, every leaf, every petal, and every single vein that was on each leaf. He knew which plant needed His extra, special care on that particular day. He knew which weeds were beneficial for the community of the garden. He knew the exact spot to plant each and every single plant so that they would flourish and bloom to their maximum potential.

And He knew that The Day was drawing near.

-------------------------------------

The flowers were excited as they were beginning to bloom. They could not wait to show off their beauty to the other gardens and gardeners. They knew that they were the best that ever existed. And in the midst of all the excited chattering, there was a plant that was still in its dormant stage. No one knew what plant that was. But it was different from the rest. The odd thing was that it had lavender, garlic and chives as its companions. That was definitely one odd looking combination. But the Gardener knew what He was doing. And that plant was in a pot!

'What do you think that thing is?' asked Miss Daisy.

'I haven't the faintest idea!' said Miss Zinnia.

'I think it's a retard plant! I mean garlic as your companion?? It stinks to the high heavens!' cackled Miss Sunflower.

'Pity the Lavenders that they have to stand the stink as well,' said Miss Marigold.

‘And it’s in a POT! Haha! I think it’s a potty plant!’ retorted Miss Rose.

And they waited with extreme curiosity for the day that the plant would bloom.

------------------------------------------------

It was on the third day of the eighth month that THE plant finally started showing signs of life. The leaves started to grow out of its scrawny frame. It was nothing like the flowers in the garden. It was unique. One of its kind. And it stood out among the rest.

Her name was Sharon.

And she was known as the Rose of Sharon.

'Sharon?! What kind of name is that?' asked Miss Rose. 'She doesn't even look like a rose! Not even close!'

'She's a retard I tell you,' said Miss Sunflower.

'She's a late bloomer that's for sure,' said Miss Zinnia.

‘Or maybe she’s dying,' replied Miss Carnation.

The Gardener walked in and the flowers all hushed up and perked up and behaved at their best. He gave them their usual watering and vitamins and then tended to the Rose of Sharon. And He started to PRUNE THE PLANT!

The rest of the flowers gasped in shock. The plant had bloomed late and yet it was being pruned! And it was being shaped into a tiny tree! When the Gardener was satisfied with his work, He gave the plant an extra dose of vitamins and stood up. And He addressed His garden.

‘My beloved garden, I will be away for a short period of time. During this time, I request that you watch out for each other and that you stay WITHIN the boundaries of this garden. Do NOT drink from anywhere except from the fountain which is in the middle of the garden. If you drink from the fountains beyond this garden, you will die. I will see you all when I return. Remember My words.’ And He left.

‘Where is He going?’ asked Miss Zinnia.

‘I heard that He goes to His father’s house to replenish our vitamin stock. His father’s store house has the best vitamins in the world!’ replied Miss Sunflower.

And the flowers all hemmed and hawed in wonder.

‘I wonder what the Rose of Sharon will look like when He returns!’ smirks Miss Rose. ‘I mean, look at HER! She’s scrawny and now she looks like a tree but is not a tree. And she has not even bloomed a SINGLE flower! What a disgrace she is to our garden. Why on earth would The Gardener keep her?’

‘Maybe He pities her,’ said Miss Periwinkle.

‘Whatever,’ said Miss Rose. 'I am going to catch my beauty sleep.'

As the dusk approached, they all hung down their flower heads and went to sleep.

The days went by with nothing out of the ordinary happening. The flowers drank from the garden’s fountain as instructed by The Gardener and distracted themselves with their daily gossip. And the Rose of Sharon grew in stature and it bloomed during the fifth week. And when it bloomed, it caused a series of events to unfold.

--------------------------------------------

‘OH MY GOD!’ screamed Miss Rose.

‘Wake up all of you! Look!!!’

In their garden was a swarm of Japanese beetles helping themselves to the flowers. They were everywhere!

‘Why are they here? When did they arrive?’ cried Miss Zinnia.

‘I saw about 3 to 4 of them hovering around the Rose of Sharon when she started to bloom last week. But I did not give it much thought as they all went away,’ explained Miss Daisy.

‘Well, they are not eating her flowers, they are eating OURS!’ screamed Miss Sunflower.

‘What are we to do? What are we to do?’ wailed Miss Vinca.

‘Where is The Gardener? Why has He not returned?’ asked Miss Violet. ‘

Well, we’ll just have to ask that whatever-her-name-is as to why the beetles are not attacking her flowers,’ said Miss Rose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Hey YOU!’ shouted Miss Rose. ‘Why are your flowers spared? Why aren’t the beetles eating your flowers but ours?’

The Rose of Sharon was very irritated at being talked to so rudely.

‘I have a name and it’s called Sharon. And there is such a thing as courtesy. If you want to ask me something, do not shout at me. Ask me in a polite manner,’ replied the Rose of Sharon.

Miss Rose was insulted!

‘How dare she talk to me like that? She’s not even a rose and she dares to teach me! Who the hell does she think she is?’ fumed Miss Rose.

Miss Rose glared at Sharon and left in a huff.

‘Well, what did she say?’ asked the rest when Miss Rose returned.

‘She chastised me! Who the bloody hell she thinks she is? I AM the rose! Not her! She has a stamen and she does not even have the smell of a rose!!!! She’s a BITCH!!!!!’ thundered Miss Rose.

‘Well, what do we do now? The beetles are invading us by the dozens. If they keep up at this rate, we’ll be gone by tonight,’ cried Miss Vinca.

Thus, the flowers spend the whole day trying to chase the beetles away. Many flowers were eaten up. And many flowers died. And the remnant flowers of that day fell asleep of exhaustion that night.

---------------------------------------------------

The next day was even worse than the day before. The Japanese beetles were invading the garden by the hundreds. Miss Sunflower went to the Rose of Sharon in desperation and begged her to help them. And it was a very simple reason to why the beetles did not attack her flowers. The beetles found the smell of the garlic to be a big turn-off. Miss Sunflower thanked Sharon profusely and ran back to the flowers with the excited news.

‘It’s the garlic! It’s the garlic!’ Miss Sunflower cried with relief.

‘Well, The Gardener did plant garlic AND chives around us one month before He had left. What happened to them?’ asked Miss Violet.

Silence ensued. And all eyes turned to a very guilty looking Miss Rose.

‘What did you do this time Rose?’ asked a very weary Miss Daisy. ‘I…. I stomped on them during the night and made sure they didn’t survive. I did not want to smell like garlic. They stink. It would have destroyed my rose scent,’ said a subdued Miss Rose.

‘Well, I am sure now we are now surviving very well indeed,’ Miss Periwinkle dryly remarked.

‘What are we to do now?’ asked Miss Sunflower.

‘I have already lost a petal to a beetle,’ whined Miss Zinnia.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unbeknownst to them, a snake had slithered up to them upon seeing their distress.

‘What seems to be the problem my beautiful ladies?’ the snake hissed.

On a normal day, they would certainly not converse with a snake. But being exhausted and desperate, they saw no harm in talking to one. What could be worse? And they told him the dire situation that they were in.

‘Did The Gardener really say that you are not supposed to drink from any other fountain except the one in the middle of your garden?’ asked the snake?

‘Oh yes, He did. He said that we would die if we drank from any other fountain,’ replied Miss Sunflower.

‘Oh, but you certainly WON’T die! In fact, the other fountains offer a much better drinking water. It will prolong your life, cause your flowers to have that extra luster and you will have immunity against pests and diseases,’ hissed the snake.

‘Why don’t you give it a try? I mean, what harm can one try do?’

Some of the flowers balked at the idea of going against The Gardener’s last words. But some of them swayed at the idea. The Rose of Sharon came to them upon seeing the snake and told them to not speak to it and instead to gather themselves around her pot.

'Who do you think you are? You are certainly not my master and I do not take instructions from a rose-wannabe!' shouted Miss Rose to the Rose of Sharon.

'I'll do it!' said Miss Rose. ‘I’ll go drink the water.'

‘Good!’ hissed the snake. ‘Follow me and I will show you the finest water that you have ever tasted.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miss Rose followed the snake out of the garden and into another garden down the path. She was fascinated as she had never been out of the garden before. It was so different from her garden. And the silence struck her.

As if the snake had heard her thoughts, he answered, ‘The beetles aren’t here because the water in the other gardens are enriched with extra minerals and nutrients that strengthen the flowers. Thus, it makes them resistant towards their attacks.’

‘Wow! I wish that I had known this earlier,’ thought Miss Rose.

They finally arrived at the fountain and the smell of the water was totally different from the one that was in her garden.

‘Drink! And you will see the difference. Trust me,’ hissed the snake.

And Miss Rose took a sip and that sip awoken her senses like never before. And she was hooked on it instantly. She drank as much as she could and she brought back some of it for her fellow flowers. And that pleased the snake very much.

Soon, the majority of the garden went over to the other fountain and drank lavishly from it. And in a short period of time, they developed a glow that they never had before and the beetles flew away and left them alone.

And Miss Rose was very pleased with her accomplishments. She was the heroine that had saved the garden. And only a handful of flowers had gathered themselves around the Rose of Sharon.

------------------------------------------------------------

The moment The Gardener stepped into the garden, all the flowers could feel His wrath and fury. And they were afraid as The Gardener has never been this angry before.

‘Why did you disobey Me?’ He asked.

The whole garden was stifled with silence.

'I asked, WHY DID YOU DISOBEY ME?!'

'Answer Me!!!'

‘Wh.. wh.. What do You mean, Master?’ stammered Miss Rose.

‘Did I not tell you not to drink from the other fountains? Did I not tell you to stay WITHIN the garden? Did I not say that you only drink from the fountain in this garden?!!’ roared The Gardener.

Miss Rose timidly replied, ‘Well, yes, but You see, the beetles were destroying us. And the haughty Sharon chastised me when she's not even a ROSE when I asked her for help. And the serpent said…’

‘ENOUGH!’ shouted The Gardener. ‘I had a reason in placing the garlic bulbs and chives all around the garden. I had a reason in commanding that you drink only from My fountain. The fountains outside of this garden are laced with chemicals, pesticides and insecticides! Why do you think you have that glow? It’s the poison!!! You have defiled yourselves and MY garden!’ bellowed The Gardener.

‘And of all things to listen to: a SERPENT! Have none of my advice taken root in that flower head of yours?’

All the flowers were silenced in fear and regret.

‘There is only one solution,’ said The Gardener. ‘I will have to start anew.'

'Well, that's not that hard. All He has to do is to replant us and....' thought Miss Rose.

'From scratch.'

'Without. All. Of. You.'

The flowers started to panic. Without them? What does He mean without them? They were His flowers. He was their Gardener. Their Master.

'You are leaving us?' asked Miss Sunflower.

'I have no choice. You all are saturated with the poison,' said The Gardener.

He took His sickle and chopped down all the flowers. There was a great massacre in the garden that day. He then set fire to the garden and burned up all the dead plants. He then broke down and cried.

The garden burned for a few days before the fire finally sizzled out. And then the heavens opened up and rained like never before. And then a rainbow appeared and He said that never again will He burn the garden. The Gardener and the remnants of the garden looked up to the sky and watched the rainbow slowly fade away.

*********************************

500 years later...

The Gardener's garden was the best that ever was. And in this garden was a variety of flowers and plants that were the grandest in the world. The Rose of Sharon had grown in might and in stature. And she was envied by many.

In a distance, unbeknownst by many, was a creature with a forked tongue observing the garden with great interest...

The Style That Wasn't

He lived in style. He used in style. He ate in style. He thought that he even thought in style. But the sad truth was, he had no style.

She was even far worse off than him. In her vocabulary, the word 'style' did not exist. She did not know the existence of the word, what more to comprehend the meaning of it. And then she met him. 

She thought he HAD style. In her stunted mind, she thought he lived the style, walked the style, talked the style and IS the style. 

The sad story became pathetic. They ended up as a pair in life. And what a pair they were. And she thought that she had made it in life.

She worshipped the ground he stood on. Waited on him hand and foot. And encouraged him to continue his wonderful 'style' of life. And together they lived a life of 'style'. 

All seemed 'stylish' on the surface. But hidden beneath was a different story altogether.

Deceit, greed, selfishness, ungratefulness and looking down on others whom they thought were not on par with them was needed to maintain their 'style'. They thought they were projecting sophistication and a lavish lifestyle. But instead, all that the others saw were emptiness, hypocrisy and lies. The others knew that their boasts were hoaxes. That after every extravagant meal that was paid, the guests were made sure to know that it was 'VERY expensive', and that they expected the same expensive meal in return. If not the same, more. They laughed and mocked at others when they saw that they wore clothes cheaper than them, ate cheaper food, or went to destinations that were not of 'style'. And behind every good deed that they did, they had ulterior motives. It was because they wanted to use the others for their 'stylish' lifestyle. Favours, expensive stuff at discounted rates, free lodging and food. In fact, free everything would have been perfect. 

So as the years went by, their circle of friends became smaller and smaller and smaller. Of course Mr. and Mrs. Style thought that the others envied them and were extremely jealous of their 'style' to the point that they could not stand them. But the sad truth was, nobody could stand their fake-ness, hypocrisy and yet think that they had the 'ultimate-lifestyle-that-everyone-absolutely-would-die-for'. In reality, no one wanted to be within 500 miles of them. For they reeked of an odour that permeated the air so badly that nobody could stand them.

Of course Mr. and Mrs. Style made sure that they 'grew old in style'. Whatever that means. And they certainly 'died in style'. And yet, not one went to the funeral that was lavished in 'style' and grandeur.

Simply because they were the style that wasn't. 

The Kingdom of the 'P'

We exist everywhere, anywhere and anyhow. Survival is our only goal and we will obtain it at any cost. We would skulk our way into our unsuspecting victims. We sometimes even walk into their lives in broad daylight. We are brazen. We are bold. We Entice them with our legs opened wide. We then Manipulate whatever emotions that are ever-present to be manipulated. Guilt, compassion, pity, a sense of belonging. We'll take 'em all. And before they can change even think of changing their minds, we will sink our fangs of total dependency and suck them dry.

Getting what we want intoxicate us. It brings us Ecstasy, euphoria, and a sense of great accomplishment. Who would not want a life where one does not need to work for it? It is being guzzled free-of-charged everyday. Open our mouths and we get fed.

Life is good!

We know we're good. We've survived for tens of generations. We've got it made.

Victims that are of no use are tossed aside as they are now worthless to our kingdom. And if they snivel for compassion, our motto is that we show no mercy. What is ours IS ours. No amount of snivelling will turn our hearts.  If you even think of leaving us, or ditching us, be aware that we will guilt you, blackmail you emotionally and threaten you! And then, taking, we shall take again. And again. And again, and again. We are limitless and border-less.

So stop your whining and get back into line. We're not done with you. After all, we ARE the kingdom of the Parasites.

The Greatest Miracle of All

The burning emptiness that was in my heart caught my attention when I was at the age of 8. I would kneel at the side of my bed and pray to 'god' in desperation asking him to show me the 'true' god that I should be praying to. In my mind, I would envision a god divided into four parts. One part would be Buddha, the other the Hindu god, the third being Jesus and the fourth being the Muslim god. Well, he never told me who he was.

Eight years down the road and I was more lost than ever. I was 'empty' on the inside. Craving for something more than the material things in this life could give me.  So I went to 'church'. It was a traditional Baptist church which bore the living daylights out of me. And the quench could not be satisfied.

Until one day, when I became 'born again', baptized in 'tongues' and embraced the Pentecostal movement. 'Praise the Lord!' became my motto. I naively thought that all my questions, my yearnings, my search would be over. I thought that I had found what I had been looking for all those years. I embraced this religion with gusto, vehement passion and zealousness. I was swept away by the mighty 'presence' of God, by what one could do under the 'power of the Holy Spirit', and by the 'power' of God.

I was like a sponge that had spent an entire lifetime in the desert that at the first oasis I stumbled upon, I soaked up all the water that I had found without checking whether the water was clean or poisoned. I did not question where the source of this water was coming from. I just soaked it all up. Looking back, I now conclude that I was naive and stupid. I thought all my answers could be found in Christianity and in the Church. But what I experienced and saw in the Church can be akin to being in a political office. Everything that a political party is, can be found in the Church.

I have seen venom dripping out of every pore of leaders who claimed to be 'doing the work of the Lord.' I have seen the pulpit being used to manipulate the emotions and the minds of the people. I have seen how leaders who reared their ugly-jealous-insecure-and-scared-to-death behaviour because they felt 'threatened' by a potential and rising newbie. They were afraid of losing their 'authority and 'power'. I have seen leaders who cowed under the fear of man, casting aside integrity because of wanting to be in the 'good books' of the 'man of God'. I have seen how people who are of great talent being used, squeezed and sucked dry because they can 'bring down the presence of God'. And the not-so-talented ones are cast aside like old ragged dolls. And when the talented ones are not available, the tossed-aside-ragged-dolls are picked up, dusted off and used as they are 'needed'. I have seen men of God kiss-ass so that they will receive the 'anointing' of the lord. I have seen what great hypocrites and two-headed snakes 'Christians' can be while spouting the Word of God at the same time. I am not saying that all Christian leaders or Christians are manipulative-two-horned-jackasses. There were very good people whom I had met during my years in the Church. Genuine people with hearts of gold and of good intentions. I will never forget these people.

But the Church and Christianity was a HUGE disappointment for me. In the name of eternal peace and everlasting life, I was more lost than ever. The water that I had soaked up at the oasis was slowly poisoning me to death. The thing about Christianity is that in the pursuit of eternal life, the people become the epitome of hell on earth. What is the purpose of eternal life when one cannot show compassion, integrity, a sincere heart and character on earth? What is the point of being a Christian then?

I have heard over and over again on how we will do greater miracles than Jesus. I did question at one point, to where the great miracles are. Jesus walked on water, turned water into wine, raised the dead and healed the sick, blind, mute, deaf. So where are the greater things that we will do today?

And then one day, it hit me.

Jesus loved with a sincere love, a love that is pure, a love that is kind, a love that does not delight in evil but one that always rejoices with the truth. And if you can love with that kind of love, you would have done a greater miracle than he did. Why is the need to strive to perform miracles so important that it overrides everything else? Why are the numbers of the people who attended a conference so important? Why must the people be 'forced' to be slained in the Spirit so important that if one does not fall, one is declared to be of 'little faith' or 'not opened to God'. The little Napoleans of Christianity has got to be overthrown and executed. They have done so much damage to the people in the pretext of 'serving God'. Christianity today is a farce and a shame.

Therefore today, I have decided with all my heart to renounce Christianity and the Church.

Before you start snarling and expose your fangs of judgement and condemnation, bear in mind that I never recanted or renounced God. I do believe in him. It's just that I do not believe in how the Church sells him to be. What he is and what the Church portrays him to be are two entirely different people. I find that the Church of today has become the 'wolves in sheep skin', which instead of leading people into the light, they lead them into darkness.

I will never forget the 'lessons' that the Church has taught me, the wonderful and 'un-wonderful' people that I have met and the 'rich' experience that I have gained. Leaving the Church and Christianity has been one of the best decisions in life that I have made. I am happier, at peace and stress-free. Saying that, the whole experience of Church has made me wiser, street-savy and no-longer naive. Not forgetting, it has taught me to use my brains.

Meeting Death has changed my way of looking at life. It propelled me to search for the truth. I never said that I am perfect. I am one of the most flawed human being on this planet. But everyday, I choose to be a better person. To live my life to the best that I can. And I will say this again: To search for the truth.

So where am I today in life? Before I wrote this, I have been at a crossroad for more than two years. Many a nights have I woken up from the same dream over and over again being at a crossroad with all three possibilities shrouded in thick mist. I could not see where I should go. And the frustration was so overwhelming. And I would wake up with that frustration of not knowing where to head in life.

But now I know where I should go. Which road to take. Which direction to head to. Though it is a road not many would feel that is heading in the right direction, it is the road that I have chosen and my heart is at complete peace. In fact, a burden has lifted off my heart.

So from today onwards, I will follow this path and I will see where it will lead me to. I am not afraid. Simply because the greatest miracle is guiding me.


 'I was lost but now am found.'

The Accidental Scientist

'All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better.'
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I never wanted to be a scientist. I hated experiments. I hated the complications. I found it to be tiring and boring. Suffice to say, I had a closed mind. I was plain lazy. I was unmotivated. I did not bother to learn of the new things that came across my path as I only learned what I WANTED to learn. The things that did not interest me was not worth learning. Or so I had thought.

One day as I was minding my own business as usual in my small, shallow world, when an experiment (unexpected and unsuspected by me) conducted by the world's greatest scientist exploded on purpose right in my face and changed my life forever. Of course I was beyond pissed at the 'idiot' who had thought that the experiment was a 'success'. Success my ass. It ruined my life!

All the things that I had taken for granted was gone. All the things that I could do freely was now a once upon a time story. All that I thought that I had, that I was, was a farce. I was an empty shell. I was not a pilgrim of life at all. I realized that I had been in the stagnant, green and murky waters of the swamp for the undead for almost my entire life!

Thus, I was slapped with a very rude awakening.

But I became angry. Violently angry. I was frustrated beyond words. I had become incapacitated. I wished that I had died instead of being brought back to Earth.

I honestly cannot remember when I started to live my life even with my health constantly deteriorating. But I remember very vividly that I had my breakthrough when I started to write. I vented out my frustrations, my setbacks, my failures and my deepest feelings by writing. It set me free. Words that were in the deepest recesses of my heart were poured out as my fingers typed non-stop on the smartphone! Yes, I started writing on my smart phone as my laptop was on the verge of dying. (It was almost 10 years old!)

And so here I am today. Alive but not completely well where my health is concerned. But I have my life back. My mind is alive. And I am one of life's accidental scientist. Everything that I go through in life now is an experiment. And today, I am a willing participant. Of course there are times when the experiments that I conducted exploded in my face! But I am okay with mistakes and failures. And the greatest thing about the experiments in life is that you get to do them at your own pace. And even though you fail, it does not mean that you have failed in life. The results of the experiments in life could be achieved in 1001 different ways. And nobody can tell you that your method is wrong. Or the results are wrong.

My latest experiment in life is branching out as a writer. And I have recently just sold my first article. I am very grateful for that opportunity and this has propelled me to continue to write even more.

This blog will be about my writings on life, and on my works. And I am in the midst on writing my first book.

So fellow scientists, what say you we join together in experimenting life's greatest experiment of all?