The Greatest Miracle of All

The burning emptiness that was in my heart caught my attention when I was at the age of 8. I would kneel at the side of my bed and pray to 'god' in desperation asking him to show me the 'true' god that I should be praying to. In my mind, I would envision a god divided into four parts. One part would be Buddha, the other the Hindu god, the third being Jesus and the fourth being the Muslim god. Well, he never told me who he was.

Eight years down the road and I was more lost than ever. I was 'empty' on the inside. Craving for something more than the material things in this life could give me.  So I went to 'church'. It was a traditional Baptist church which bore the living daylights out of me. And the quench could not be satisfied.

Until one day, when I became 'born again', baptized in 'tongues' and embraced the Pentecostal movement. 'Praise the Lord!' became my motto. I naively thought that all my questions, my yearnings, my search would be over. I thought that I had found what I had been looking for all those years. I embraced this religion with gusto, vehement passion and zealousness. I was swept away by the mighty 'presence' of God, by what one could do under the 'power of the Holy Spirit', and by the 'power' of God.

I was like a sponge that had spent an entire lifetime in the desert that at the first oasis I stumbled upon, I soaked up all the water that I had found without checking whether the water was clean or poisoned. I did not question where the source of this water was coming from. I just soaked it all up. Looking back, I now conclude that I was naive and stupid. I thought all my answers could be found in Christianity and in the Church. But what I experienced and saw in the Church can be akin to being in a political office. Everything that a political party is, can be found in the Church.

I have seen venom dripping out of every pore of leaders who claimed to be 'doing the work of the Lord.' I have seen the pulpit being used to manipulate the emotions and the minds of the people. I have seen how leaders who reared their ugly-jealous-insecure-and-scared-to-death behaviour because they felt 'threatened' by a potential and rising newbie. They were afraid of losing their 'authority and 'power'. I have seen leaders who cowed under the fear of man, casting aside integrity because of wanting to be in the 'good books' of the 'man of God'. I have seen how people who are of great talent being used, squeezed and sucked dry because they can 'bring down the presence of God'. And the not-so-talented ones are cast aside like old ragged dolls. And when the talented ones are not available, the tossed-aside-ragged-dolls are picked up, dusted off and used as they are 'needed'. I have seen men of God kiss-ass so that they will receive the 'anointing' of the lord. I have seen what great hypocrites and two-headed snakes 'Christians' can be while spouting the Word of God at the same time. I am not saying that all Christian leaders or Christians are manipulative-two-horned-jackasses. There were very good people whom I had met during my years in the Church. Genuine people with hearts of gold and of good intentions. I will never forget these people.

But the Church and Christianity was a HUGE disappointment for me. In the name of eternal peace and everlasting life, I was more lost than ever. The water that I had soaked up at the oasis was slowly poisoning me to death. The thing about Christianity is that in the pursuit of eternal life, the people become the epitome of hell on earth. What is the purpose of eternal life when one cannot show compassion, integrity, a sincere heart and character on earth? What is the point of being a Christian then?

I have heard over and over again on how we will do greater miracles than Jesus. I did question at one point, to where the great miracles are. Jesus walked on water, turned water into wine, raised the dead and healed the sick, blind, mute, deaf. So where are the greater things that we will do today?

And then one day, it hit me.

Jesus loved with a sincere love, a love that is pure, a love that is kind, a love that does not delight in evil but one that always rejoices with the truth. And if you can love with that kind of love, you would have done a greater miracle than he did. Why is the need to strive to perform miracles so important that it overrides everything else? Why are the numbers of the people who attended a conference so important? Why must the people be 'forced' to be slained in the Spirit so important that if one does not fall, one is declared to be of 'little faith' or 'not opened to God'. The little Napoleans of Christianity has got to be overthrown and executed. They have done so much damage to the people in the pretext of 'serving God'. Christianity today is a farce and a shame.

Therefore today, I have decided with all my heart to renounce Christianity and the Church.

Before you start snarling and expose your fangs of judgement and condemnation, bear in mind that I never recanted or renounced God. I do believe in him. It's just that I do not believe in how the Church sells him to be. What he is and what the Church portrays him to be are two entirely different people. I find that the Church of today has become the 'wolves in sheep skin', which instead of leading people into the light, they lead them into darkness.

I will never forget the 'lessons' that the Church has taught me, the wonderful and 'un-wonderful' people that I have met and the 'rich' experience that I have gained. Leaving the Church and Christianity has been one of the best decisions in life that I have made. I am happier, at peace and stress-free. Saying that, the whole experience of Church has made me wiser, street-savy and no-longer naive. Not forgetting, it has taught me to use my brains.

Meeting Death has changed my way of looking at life. It propelled me to search for the truth. I never said that I am perfect. I am one of the most flawed human being on this planet. But everyday, I choose to be a better person. To live my life to the best that I can. And I will say this again: To search for the truth.

So where am I today in life? Before I wrote this, I have been at a crossroad for more than two years. Many a nights have I woken up from the same dream over and over again being at a crossroad with all three possibilities shrouded in thick mist. I could not see where I should go. And the frustration was so overwhelming. And I would wake up with that frustration of not knowing where to head in life.

But now I know where I should go. Which road to take. Which direction to head to. Though it is a road not many would feel that is heading in the right direction, it is the road that I have chosen and my heart is at complete peace. In fact, a burden has lifted off my heart.

So from today onwards, I will follow this path and I will see where it will lead me to. I am not afraid. Simply because the greatest miracle is guiding me.


 'I was lost but now am found.'