This post is not about parodies, Death or even Idiopathic Anaphylaxis. This post is about the English language and the hilarious snippets which I overheard (they talked way too loud) or from conversations which I had or read. Some made me cringe, smile or burst out laughing. And since laughter is the best medicine, let me share today's post and tickle your funny bone.
1. Excuse me, I can waiting here?
2. I is not knowing. I is do not know.
3. Hello, my nang is ..... (He meant NAME)
4. If you wants to knows more about this particular product, you can seeing Mr. So and So.
5. I cannot speaking English very well. But I WRIKE quite well. (Yes, I can tell that you WRITE extremely well.)
6. Do not running. If you running very fast, you will falling down on your face and it will be brokeRNS.
7. Blinks-blinks that I own. (She meant bling-bling! But it makes me wonder to how many blinking eyes we can own!)
8. If you do not understands the questions, you can always askings me.
9. Is your ear paining? Do you feel paining if I press this part?
10. Conversation between nurse and patient (double-checking patient's data before procedure)
Nurse: When is your birthday?
Patient: My birthday not yet arrive. My birthday long time more.
Nurse: .............. When you born?!
Patient: Oooohhhh... You want my date of birth, you mean.
Nurse: Yes, your BIRTHDAY. I want your BIRTHDAY!
11. (Just before the school bell rings)
A mother: It is going to be 3.30pm. My childrens will be finished soon.
Finished INDEED!
Sunday 23 December 2012
Thursday 20 December 2012
The End of the World - 21.12.2012
So tomorrow is THE day. The day where the world is supposed to end.
This might be my last post. And this might be my last night. Our last night on the beloved planet Earth.
In order to brace ourselves for whatever that might happen at midnight, I've compiled a short list, which I named 'The UltimateHollywood's End of the World Survivor's Kit'.
1. Asteroid
If asteroids are the cause for tomorrow's end of the world, we should have sent a group of welders led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck 18 days ago 'cause 'They didn't manage to put the bomb down in a hole 800 feet onto a fault line. Thus all that we're gonna have is a real expensive fireworks show.' And as our world comes to an end, we ought to allow Steve Tyler toscreech serenade 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' to send us to the other side. Thank you Harry! Thank you Armageddon!
2. Ice Age
If you encounter the eye of the North American superstorm, make sure you run to the nearest library and burn all the books to keep yourselves from freezing instantly. If you have vending machines around, just break them for food. By doing so you will certainly be alive to see The Day After Tomorrow.
3. Zombies
Zombies are just listless, shuffling Walking Dead. They can't run fast. They all look emaciated. They all make the same gurgling sound. And they are all brainless. So if you find yourselves cornered and trapped in a house with all these Walking Dead clamoring at the front door, look around and escape through the BACK DOOR! Cause non of them will be there. Thank you Walking Dead for this crucial point which you so willingly shared with us. Oh, and before you escape, throw a dead corpse for them to enjoy!
4. Aliens
If indeed the aliens decide to drop by on tomorrow's auspicious date, make sure you DO NOT cross paths with them. But be sure to not wash your hands, brush your teeth, wash your bum-bum after doing the big business, but sneeze everywhere 'till your mucus spews all over and spray your saliva as far as it can get. Why? Because the aliens do not have the immunity against our bacteria. WE do. So if the aliens do come by tomorrow, we'll definitely have won the War of the Worlds even before it has started.
And if you are caught in a war with the Falling Skies, make sure you get your lady impregnated during the midst of uncertain times. THAT will surely spice up your life while you are constantly trying to hide and outrun the mechs, skitters and harnessed children! I wonder how on earth are they going to keep the baby from screaming when they need to hide from the mechs and skitters???!
5. Flood
You should have just build that damn ark! 2012 taught us that! Damn!
This might be my last post. And this might be my last night. Our last night on the beloved planet Earth.
In order to brace ourselves for whatever that might happen at midnight, I've compiled a short list, which I named 'The Ultimate
1. Asteroid
If asteroids are the cause for tomorrow's end of the world, we should have sent a group of welders led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck 18 days ago 'cause 'They didn't manage to put the bomb down in a hole 800 feet onto a fault line. Thus all that we're gonna have is a real expensive fireworks show.' And as our world comes to an end, we ought to allow Steve Tyler to
2. Ice Age
If you encounter the eye of the North American superstorm, make sure you run to the nearest library and burn all the books to keep yourselves from freezing instantly. If you have vending machines around, just break them for food. By doing so you will certainly be alive to see The Day After Tomorrow.
3. Zombies
Zombies are just listless, shuffling Walking Dead. They can't run fast. They all look emaciated. They all make the same gurgling sound. And they are all brainless. So if you find yourselves cornered and trapped in a house with all these Walking Dead clamoring at the front door, look around and escape through the BACK DOOR! Cause non of them will be there. Thank you Walking Dead for this crucial point which you so willingly shared with us. Oh, and before you escape, throw a dead corpse for them to enjoy!
4. Aliens
If indeed the aliens decide to drop by on tomorrow's auspicious date, make sure you DO NOT cross paths with them. But be sure to not wash your hands, brush your teeth, wash your bum-bum after doing the big business, but sneeze everywhere 'till your mucus spews all over and spray your saliva as far as it can get. Why? Because the aliens do not have the immunity against our bacteria. WE do. So if the aliens do come by tomorrow, we'll definitely have won the War of the Worlds even before it has started.
And if you are caught in a war with the Falling Skies, make sure you get your lady impregnated during the midst of uncertain times. THAT will surely spice up your life while you are constantly trying to hide and outrun the mechs, skitters and harnessed children! I wonder how on earth are they going to keep the baby from screaming when they need to hide from the mechs and skitters???!
5. Flood
You should have just build that damn ark! 2012 taught us that! Damn!
Tuesday 11 December 2012
The Twilight That Was Totally Out Of Zone!
I have been going through nights of crashing in front of the idiot box as a result of the insomnia. The other night, I 'marveled' at the audacity of the producers of this show. I mean, who in their right mind would ever have thought of Twilight being successful? After watching a half-hour of one of the trilogy, I switched the TV off and decided to finish the shows by reading the Wikipedia.
Below are 10 VERY important points that I've learned from this show:
1. In order to look like a vampire, you must look as though you've fallen into a pail of flour. You got to look like a person fit for pantomime. Or as pale as Death. Oh wait, vampires ARE dead. Silly me! Oh never mind....
2. In order to eradicate your enemy once and for all, you must get rid of the 'surprise element'. You must announce in a LOUD VOICE to your enemy that you are there in order to give your enemy time to charge, fly into the air towards you and crash into you as the both of you try to crash into as many trees as possible so that THEY can kill you instead. Did I just not make PERFECT sense?
3. In order to attract drop-dead gorgeous guys in your life, you must be/have:
a. WEEPY
b. PATHETIC
c. EXTREMELY LOW-SELF ESTEEM
d. MOPEY
e. THE MOST SOUR-PUSS FACE EVER
4. If you want to kill yourself, you must do it in style. Do it in ITALY. In front of a crowd. And before you die, you must disrobe yourself. Which brings me to my next point.
5. Vampires DO NOT combust into flames in sunlight. They SPARKLE!!!!! Which means they have in-born bling-blings!!! How envious!!!!!
6. Even if you are a vampire which is over 100 years old, you MUST attend high school in order to appear mysterious, and dangerous so that girls in school have something togossip about fawn over. (And it is VERY important that as a vampire you must blend in as your identity must be kept an absolute secret.)
7. The vampire 'claims' that as a result of an 'adrenaline rush', he is able to run at super-duper-speed and stop the out-of-control car with his hand and crunch the car instead with his 'adrenaline-rush-super-powers'. WOW! In that case, I need to stock up on Epi-Pens.
8. If you really LOVE someone and want to PROTECT them, announce the break-up in the middle of the forest and then leave them all alone and LOST in the forest so that they can be another vampire's meal. That's the POWER of LOVE!
9. There ARE herbivore vampires!
10. In order for girls to be swooning over the show over and over again melodically, have Bruno Mars write and sing 'It Will Rain' and forever Twilight will be seared in your hearts and minds as you hear that song on repetitive mode! (No wonder it's been raining 3 to 4 times a day over here!)
11. Oh and yes, before I forget, if you want the greatest sex in the entire world, be a vampire. Nothing beats vampire sex!
Below are 10 VERY important points that I've learned from this show:
1. In order to look like a vampire, you must look as though you've fallen into a pail of flour. You got to look like a person fit for pantomime. Or as pale as Death. Oh wait, vampires ARE dead. Silly me! Oh never mind....
2. In order to eradicate your enemy once and for all, you must get rid of the 'surprise element'. You must announce in a LOUD VOICE to your enemy that you are there in order to give your enemy time to charge, fly into the air towards you and crash into you as the both of you try to crash into as many trees as possible so that THEY can kill you instead. Did I just not make PERFECT sense?
3. In order to attract drop-dead gorgeous guys in your life, you must be/have:
a. WEEPY
b. PATHETIC
c. EXTREMELY LOW-SELF ESTEEM
d. MOPEY
e. THE MOST SOUR-PUSS FACE EVER
4. If you want to kill yourself, you must do it in style. Do it in ITALY. In front of a crowd. And before you die, you must disrobe yourself. Which brings me to my next point.
5. Vampires DO NOT combust into flames in sunlight. They SPARKLE!!!!! Which means they have in-born bling-blings!!! How envious!!!!!
6. Even if you are a vampire which is over 100 years old, you MUST attend high school in order to appear mysterious, and dangerous so that girls in school have something to
7. The vampire 'claims' that as a result of an 'adrenaline rush', he is able to run at super-duper-speed and stop the out-of-control car with his hand and crunch the car instead with his 'adrenaline-rush-super-powers'. WOW! In that case, I need to stock up on Epi-Pens.
8. If you really LOVE someone and want to PROTECT them, announce the break-up in the middle of the forest and then leave them all alone and LOST in the forest so that they can be another vampire's meal. That's the POWER of LOVE!
9. There ARE herbivore vampires!
10. In order for girls to be swooning over the show over and over again melodically, have Bruno Mars write and sing 'It Will Rain' and forever Twilight will be seared in your hearts and minds as you hear that song on repetitive mode! (No wonder it's been raining 3 to 4 times a day over here!)
11. Oh and yes, before I forget, if you want the greatest sex in the entire world, be a vampire. Nothing beats vampire sex!
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