The Perfect Sculpture

We were all born perfect. Blemish free. We were the 'perfect' marble slab until we began on the journey called Life. A few knocks, a few chips, a few cracks and we are labelled useless! We are labeled redundant. Or a FAILURE!

We parents have mini Protégés which we have been given the gravity-defying responsibility to sculpt. It's scary. How the hell are we supposed to know how to sculpt? I'm not a sculptor. I have no bloody idea on how to sculpt. I had almost lost my finger in the attempt to sculpt.

So we look for help and advice. On one side, you have parents hiring the Leonardo da Vinccis to sculpt a Greek god or Barbies out of their slab of marbles. If the chisel chips 1/1000 off the designated place, all hell breaks loose. The parents would wail and deem all was lost. Their protégé is RUINED! Leonardo would be discarded like a rag and it's-the-end-of-the-world-desperate-parent would look hastily for a replacement. Who is Leonardo by the way?

On the other hand, you have parents who love the smooth, perfect marble slab just as it is. Why bother to sculpt? It's already P.E.R.F.E.C.T! Just sit back, enjoy the wine of life and watch how people walk by and use that marble slab as a table or footstool. Hey, Que Sera Sera. What will be, will be! Chill man.

And now we have over-the-counter-mini-figurines that can be bought. This market has buffet spreads catered to suit your every whims and fancies. You can have mini models strutting in stilettos, mini scientists (think Einstein) and even mini chefs! The possibilities are endless.

So how do I choose?

I chose to sculpt my slab all by myself. 

I am no sculpture expert, not even close to passable. Remember that I had almost lost my finger(s). I'm neither an artist. But I'm a realist. I've chipped off chunks where I shouldn't have. I have caused my slab to crack in places that will cause others to gasp in horror. I have even dropped my slab of marble many times!!! 'Your sculpture is DOOMED!!!!!!' many have hollered at me. 

But I don't give a shit. 

Because with all its imperfections, cracks, chips and whatever blemish that I have managed to incur on my slab of marble, I have the perfect sculpture.

* When shit happens, we make manure!

The Bumble Bee

Bumble Bee was one damn happy bee. Its hive had the whole orchard to itself. There were glorious smelling colourful flowers. The flowers were so colourful that one could go blind by the array and brightness of the colours.

Sad to say as the years went by, the occupants of Bumble Bee's hive declined in numbers at a very alarming rate. Cousin Bee never returned after a day out in Flowerland. Rumours has it that he died after inhaling pollen from some of the flowers which were at the southern parts of Flowerland.

And then Monumental Bee died. Followed by Bumble-li-cious. And then Harmony died. And THEN Muscular Bee died. When something happens to Muscular Bee, you would know that it was something very sinister as Muscular had NEVER, ever fell sick in his entire life. And now he was dead.

The entire colony was on the verge of collapse. Bumble Bee became very sick. No one knew what was killing them.  

Bumble Bee could no longer smell the flowers. It could no longer even fly straight. The sickness was slowly destroying its system. Slowly but surely.

Everyone seemed to be dying off. But Bumble Bee miraculously somehow managed to hang on. It had wanted to die many times. It had wanted to end it all with just one sting. But the remnants of the nest needed him. The little young ones were still so small. 

Thus,  Bumble Bee hung on. Even with the poison seeping into his pores, poisoning every part of his tiny body and soul, Bumble Bee clung on. 

Though everything had died, Bumble Bee was alive. Though nothing was the same, Bumble Bee was. 

I.AM.RICH.

1 million, 10 million and 1 billion,

I have none,

It's everybody's mission

To dream of owning a bullion.

Money, money, More money!

They all scream;

To the land of the abundant over-flowing milk and honey

It is certainly everybody's dream.

They will stab,

They will kill;

They will even eat crap

While their lives go descending downhill.

A million I have not,

I am not even a big-shot;

I have never struck the jackpot,

And the abundant thing that I have in the kitchen is the shallot!

But I am rich,

And I am certainly not bewitched,

This is definitely not a glitch,

And no, I did not knock my head in the ditch.

I have wealth,

Though I definitely do not own health,

But yet I am rich,

You too can be once you flip on the switch.

A never-ending-learning mind,

A willingness to make one-hundred mistakes,

One that does not mind the grind,

At times, for years all you do is flipping the pancakes.

A million stories to be told,

From all that you have experienced in life,

All of your days and night are a freehold,

You will definitely cease to strife.

Unlock the vault in your heart,

With peace, joy, love and laughter

Midnights of sadness with definitely part,

Never again will you be the beggar.

I am Rich.

The Clean Freak

I have to admit that I have an alter ego. And no, she ain't no Sasha Fierce. Or Marilyn Manson. But, my alter ego keeps me 'safe' but drives other people insane at the same time. I don't give a damn, fortunately.

She is 'The Clean Freak'.

You see, I cannot help switching to my alter ego most of the time. (Yikes! Has alter ego taken over completely?) Alter ego helps me to be safe as I might fall sick every other day since I cannot take any supplements or vitamins or any concoctions and am allergic to any other medications too!

So here are my 'clean-freak' methods which my alter-ego has helped me device in order to keep me safe:

1. Beware of the 'Cough Cloud'

According to my alter-ego's theory, the moment someone coughs, a 'cloud-cough' will form. It is a cloud filled with germs and virus and sputum from the 'cough-ee'. So the moment someone coughs, my legs will automatically detour my walk. Alter ego will cause my legs to walk to different aisles to look at things that are unnecessary to look at. It will lead me to walk in bigger circles to reach the department store that I was heading to. And if I cannot avoid the 'cough-cloud' in time, alter-ego will give me super-powers to hold my breath and perform an Olympic-worthy of breath-holding-competition until I have steered clear of the 'cough-cloud'.

2. The Wipe-Down

Everything new that is brought into the house will be wiped clean and if it can be washed, it will be hosed down. Be it the container that the bean curd is packed in or the new container that will be used for compost. It. Will. Be. Cleaned. Even the vegetables that is packed in plastic bags. Even the toilet roll bag. Even the beans that are packed in the sealed bag. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!

Alter ego is very concerned about leptospirosis which at the moment has reached an alarming level in Malaysia. Click on LINK to read more. Alter ego wants you to know that we have rats the size of cats over here!

3. Wash Thy Feet

The moment anyone steps out of the house, alter ego will make sure that the person washes his/her feet. And it cannot be a slip shod wash. It must be a thorough wash under running water. Even though if the feet stepped out of the house for 1 minute, it must be washed. For all you know, the stray cat could have walked on the same path and as the feet walks (yes, even with slippers), the 'germs' or 'virus' could waft up from the ground and land on the feet. And then the 'germs' and 'virus' are brought into the house!!! Eeewww! So wash thy feet!

4. No Sitting Please!

When you come home from an outing or gardening, alter ego will MAKE SURE that you change your clothes before you can even place 1/168 of your bum on the chair or even the floor. And for God's sake, go take a bathe. For all you know, you could have thousands of cough clouds attached to your clothing!

5. Wash the Throne!

Alter ego washes the throne after every 'poo business'. The throne is pristine and shiny after each and every session.

6. Only PJs in Bed!

No home clothes whatsoever. Alter ego said that you might have a crumb stuck to your T-shirt left over from supper. And there is NO WAY alter ego will let you go to bed in a crumb-stuck-on-shirt! And please wash your feet before you climb into bed. Yes, it is COMPULSORY!

7. Eating ONLY at the Dining Table

And nowhere else. Not at the sofa. Definitely NOT in bed! Alter ego HATES ants and cockroaches and lizards and rats and every other crawling thing that do not belong in the house.

8. The Wet Ones Dispensary 

You need a wet ones? Alter ego has hundreds. Maybe even thousands. Or tens of thousands. The trolley handle bar gets wiped before it is used. Little one's hands get wiped upon hopping on the car after an outing at the mall. Alter ego wipes her hands after handling the petrol pump, paying money, touching toilet doors... etc.

9. No Sitting to Pee!

Alter ego will never, ever, EVER let her bum touch a millimeter of those public toilet bowls. Alter ego will either find a squatting toilet or do the hover-while-standing-on-floor-manuever over a sitting toilet to pee. She will say, 'Over my dead body' if you ever suggest to her to sit on those bowls.

10. No Recycling of Clothes

Never! All clothes will be worn only ONCE and then it will be thrown into the washing machine to be washed. No dirty clothes will be hung behind the room door. Nothing is recycled. Not even if it was worn for 5 minutes outside of the house. Not even the jacket. You might never know, your clothing could have 'cough clouds' glued to it!

How can you say no to Little Miss Clean Freak?

The Art of Driving!

Life is a lot like driving.

You lose control, you crash.

You don't take care of your car, it will loose its efficiency at a faster pace.

You don't know where you're going, you get lost.

You fall asleep while you're driving, you could die.

You don't refuel, you will stop at god-knows-where in the middle of your journey.

And there are times where shit happens.

You get banged by some idiot even though you did all the right things.

Rapunzel

She was beautiful,
With hair of such golden hue,
She was so youthful,
There was nothing which her beauty couldn't do.

It was most unfortunate,
That she was locked up in the highest tower,
The witch was drawn to her beauty like a magnet,
She had to have her to enhance her power.

Her voice; a sweet melody,
Even the rats and mice would swoon,
The witch would no more be moody,
For her song could calm all monsoons.

It was a tragedy,
That He-Prince got lost that day,
It was windy,
And when he heard her voice, he knew he had to obey.

When he reached the tower,
He too swooned with the rats and mice,
He had lost all willpower,
He knew he had no patience to be nice.

He scaled the walls with his bare hands,
Her voice gave him such superhuman ability,
And when he saw her, he was in heaven's lands,
For sure, she was his bounty!

A gasp!
Startled that she stopped short,
Her trembling hands she clasped,
And leaned on the wall for some support.

Her knees were buckling,
She was confused,
Her heart was a-galloping,
And he looked amused.

Hours became days,
Days became weeks,
Their hearts were ablaze,
And he wanted to show her the seas, the mountains and creeks.

Alas, it was not meant to be,
For the witch would never give away her prized possession,
Hell had not known such fury,
Too great was the witch's obsession.

'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair,
So that I might climb thy golden stair,'
Instead he was met with a murderous and hellish glare,
It was his worst nightmare.

He fell from the tower,
Against the witch he had no power,
She crushed his heart into a million pieces,
And sliced his body with deep gashes.

Years had passed,
And yet, they both could not forget the past,
She had lost her song,
And he would think of her all-day long.

She was no longer youthful,
Her golden hue was now a brown matte,
No longer a damsel,
Instead looking like a wombat.

She vowed never again to speak or sing,
For it brought such intense aching,
If only she knew,
If only she would sing,
She would break the voodoo,
And they would have their breakthrough,
For he was the severely scarred, one-legged guy,
Whom she saw fishing at the great bayou!

You're A Housewife???

1. You're a housewife? WHY???

Why??

Simply because I enjoy being tortured by the slave-master called house chores.

Because I enjoy doing laundry, changing sheets, keeping laundry under the freaking hot sun and then the-never-ending folding them.

Because I enjoy cracking my brain everyday (yes, I have a brain, unlike you) to how to cook different dishes 7 days a week, 31 days a month, 12 months a year.

Because I enjoy washing dishes.

Because I enjoy washing toilet bowls.

Because I enjoy and revel in cleaning dust.
(*snigger snigger)

2. You're a housewife? You didn't finish your studies?

You're a human being? How come you don't have brains?

3. You're a housewife? But you did finish your studies right?

You mean being a housewife = stupid??

How about this equation?

Human + stupid = Walking Dead.
Solution: Just pierce the Walking Dead in the head and they'll crumble to the ground, and then uurrm, well, dead.

4. You're a housewife? WHAT??!!

You're a human being but an idiot! What!!!

5. You're a housewife? When are you returning to work?

I AM WORKING AT HOME, YOU NINCOMPOOP!

6. You're a housewife? Wah, everyday shake legs lah! So 'good life' lah you!

The only thing that will be shaking is your head. I will shake that head of yours to check how puny your brain is (that is IF you have any.)

7. You're a housewife? You couldn't find a job???

YOU should find a job in the sewers because it suits you and that I think you're related to the dirty pests called rats.

8. You're a housewife? Are you insane????

Yes, I am insane for conversing with a moron!

9. You're a housewife? I would have been insane if I were you.

You ARE insane. There's no doubt about it.

10. You're a housewife..........................

Yes, I am a housewife. Do you have any idea what that means?

That means I keep the house running well, just like how the CEO runs a company.

I am the cleaner, the driver, the gardener, the chef, the errand boy/girl, the nurse/doctor, the shit-pee-puke cleaner, the organiser, the teacher, the everybody-rolled-into-one.

I am the person who can't take a MC when I am sick! Even when I am on MC, I still have to keep the house running. (Unlike hubby and son who do get MCs and then just swallow pills and zonk out for days.)

I am overworked, understaffed and underpaid.

I am the Chief Minister of Home Affairs!

I am a HOUSEWIFE!

The Year of The Snake!

Listen! Listen! Listen!

This is the Year of the Snake,
May it be smooth,
And all bad karma be removed.

This is the Year of the Snake,
Though 365 days may be long,
Let a new song slither in at the break of each dawn!

This is the Year of the Snake,
May good fortune bite you in your shins,
And your coffers never shrink.

This is the Year of the Snake,
May you develope a thicker skin,
Each and every time you shed.

This is the Year of the Snake,
Learn to be agile and flexible,
Never once hiss that life is terrible.

This is the Year of the Snake,
Sink your fangs into every opportunity that life brings you,
Let all things be anew,
And never, ever be a pet at the zoo!

Top FIVE Ways to Parenting (The LISTEN Version)

Since we Malaysians are so into LISTENING these days, let me list down the top sure-fail FIVE ways to parenting your kids!

1. When I speak, you LISTEN! (Oh, by the way, what was your question again?)

2. You want to tell me about your problems???? Let me tell you who has more problems than you. The dogs, the cats, and the sharks. Heck, even the GOATS and COWS have more problems than you. And you know why the dogs have problems? It is because they only know how to bark. They can't SPEAK!!!!!! (Which brings me to my next point!)

3. If you do not like staying in my house, you can always move to CUBA!!!!! Or even Argentina.

4. You must RESPECT me! That is why I am your mother. There is this age gap which you MUST respect. This is why you have a grandmother, father, grandfather, aunt, uncle, grandaunt, granduncle... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH......................

5. Listen!
    LISten!
    LisTen!
    LISTEN!
    ListEn!
    lisTEN!
    li$teN!
    ListEn!!!
    LiStEn!
    LISTEn!
    LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Let me speak....
    Let me speak....
    Let me SPEAK!
    Let ME speak........