The Bumble Bee

Bumble Bee was one damn happy bee. Its hive had the whole orchard to itself. There were glorious smelling colourful flowers. The flowers were so colourful that one could go blind by the array and brightness of the colours.

Sad to say as the years went by, the occupants of Bumble Bee's hive declined in numbers at a very alarming rate. Cousin Bee never returned after a day out in Flowerland. Rumours has it that he died after inhaling pollen from some of the flowers which were at the southern parts of Flowerland.

And then Monumental Bee died. Followed by Bumble-li-cious. And then Harmony died. And THEN Muscular Bee died. When something happens to Muscular Bee, you would know that it was something very sinister as Muscular had NEVER, ever fell sick in his entire life. And now he was dead.

The entire colony was on the verge of collapse. Bumble Bee became very sick. No one knew what was killing them.  

Bumble Bee could no longer smell the flowers. It could no longer even fly straight. The sickness was slowly destroying its system. Slowly but surely.

Everyone seemed to be dying off. But Bumble Bee miraculously somehow managed to hang on. It had wanted to die many times. It had wanted to end it all with just one sting. But the remnants of the nest needed him. The little young ones were still so small. 

Thus,  Bumble Bee hung on. Even with the poison seeping into his pores, poisoning every part of his tiny body and soul, Bumble Bee clung on. 

Though everything had died, Bumble Bee was alive. Though nothing was the same, Bumble Bee was. 

I.AM.RICH.

1 million, 10 million and 1 billion,

I have none,

It's everybody's mission

To dream of owning a bullion.

Money, money, More money!

They all scream;

To the land of the abundant over-flowing milk and honey

It is certainly everybody's dream.

They will stab,

They will kill;

They will even eat crap

While their lives go descending downhill.

A million I have not,

I am not even a big-shot;

I have never struck the jackpot,

And the abundant thing that I have in the kitchen is the shallot!

But I am rich,

And I am certainly not bewitched,

This is definitely not a glitch,

And no, I did not knock my head in the ditch.

I have wealth,

Though I definitely do not own health,

But yet I am rich,

You too can be once you flip on the switch.

A never-ending-learning mind,

A willingness to make one-hundred mistakes,

One that does not mind the grind,

At times, for years all you do is flipping the pancakes.

A million stories to be told,

From all that you have experienced in life,

All of your days and night are a freehold,

You will definitely cease to strife.

Unlock the vault in your heart,

With peace, joy, love and laughter

Midnights of sadness with definitely part,

Never again will you be the beggar.

I am Rich.

The Clean Freak

I have to admit that I have an alter ego. And no, she ain't no Sasha Fierce. Or Marilyn Manson. But, my alter ego keeps me 'safe' but drives other people insane at the same time. I don't give a damn, fortunately.

She is 'The Clean Freak'.

You see, I cannot help switching to my alter ego most of the time. (Yikes! Has alter ego taken over completely?) Alter ego helps me to be safe as I might fall sick every other day since I cannot take any supplements or vitamins or any concoctions and am allergic to any other medications too!

So here are my 'clean-freak' methods which my alter-ego has helped me device in order to keep me safe:

1. Beware of the 'Cough Cloud'

According to my alter-ego's theory, the moment someone coughs, a 'cloud-cough' will form. It is a cloud filled with germs and virus and sputum from the 'cough-ee'. So the moment someone coughs, my legs will automatically detour my walk. Alter ego will cause my legs to walk to different aisles to look at things that are unnecessary to look at. It will lead me to walk in bigger circles to reach the department store that I was heading to. And if I cannot avoid the 'cough-cloud' in time, alter-ego will give me super-powers to hold my breath and perform an Olympic-worthy of breath-holding-competition until I have steered clear of the 'cough-cloud'.

2. The Wipe-Down

Everything new that is brought into the house will be wiped clean and if it can be washed, it will be hosed down. Be it the container that the bean curd is packed in or the new container that will be used for compost. It. Will. Be. Cleaned. Even the vegetables that is packed in plastic bags. Even the toilet roll bag. Even the beans that are packed in the sealed bag. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!

Alter ego is very concerned about leptospirosis which at the moment has reached an alarming level in Malaysia. Click on LINK to read more. Alter ego wants you to know that we have rats the size of cats over here!

3. Wash Thy Feet

The moment anyone steps out of the house, alter ego will make sure that the person washes his/her feet. And it cannot be a slip shod wash. It must be a thorough wash under running water. Even though if the feet stepped out of the house for 1 minute, it must be washed. For all you know, the stray cat could have walked on the same path and as the feet walks (yes, even with slippers), the 'germs' or 'virus' could waft up from the ground and land on the feet. And then the 'germs' and 'virus' are brought into the house!!! Eeewww! So wash thy feet!

4. No Sitting Please!

When you come home from an outing or gardening, alter ego will MAKE SURE that you change your clothes before you can even place 1/168 of your bum on the chair or even the floor. And for God's sake, go take a bathe. For all you know, you could have thousands of cough clouds attached to your clothing!

5. Wash the Throne!

Alter ego washes the throne after every 'poo business'. The throne is pristine and shiny after each and every session.

6. Only PJs in Bed!

No home clothes whatsoever. Alter ego said that you might have a crumb stuck to your T-shirt left over from supper. And there is NO WAY alter ego will let you go to bed in a crumb-stuck-on-shirt! And please wash your feet before you climb into bed. Yes, it is COMPULSORY!

7. Eating ONLY at the Dining Table

And nowhere else. Not at the sofa. Definitely NOT in bed! Alter ego HATES ants and cockroaches and lizards and rats and every other crawling thing that do not belong in the house.

8. The Wet Ones Dispensary 

You need a wet ones? Alter ego has hundreds. Maybe even thousands. Or tens of thousands. The trolley handle bar gets wiped before it is used. Little one's hands get wiped upon hopping on the car after an outing at the mall. Alter ego wipes her hands after handling the petrol pump, paying money, touching toilet doors... etc.

9. No Sitting to Pee!

Alter ego will never, ever, EVER let her bum touch a millimeter of those public toilet bowls. Alter ego will either find a squatting toilet or do the hover-while-standing-on-floor-manuever over a sitting toilet to pee. She will say, 'Over my dead body' if you ever suggest to her to sit on those bowls.

10. No Recycling of Clothes

Never! All clothes will be worn only ONCE and then it will be thrown into the washing machine to be washed. No dirty clothes will be hung behind the room door. Nothing is recycled. Not even if it was worn for 5 minutes outside of the house. Not even the jacket. You might never know, your clothing could have 'cough clouds' glued to it!

How can you say no to Little Miss Clean Freak?

The Art of Driving!

Life is a lot like driving.

You lose control, you crash.

You don't take care of your car, it will loose its efficiency at a faster pace.

You don't know where you're going, you get lost.

You fall asleep while you're driving, you could die.

You don't refuel, you will stop at god-knows-where in the middle of your journey.

And there are times where shit happens.

You get banged by some idiot even though you did all the right things.

Rapunzel

She was beautiful,
With hair of such golden hue,
She was so youthful,
There was nothing which her beauty couldn't do.

It was most unfortunate,
That she was locked up in the highest tower,
The witch was drawn to her beauty like a magnet,
She had to have her to enhance her power.

Her voice; a sweet melody,
Even the rats and mice would swoon,
The witch would no more be moody,
For her song could calm all monsoons.

It was a tragedy,
That He-Prince got lost that day,
It was windy,
And when he heard her voice, he knew he had to obey.

When he reached the tower,
He too swooned with the rats and mice,
He had lost all willpower,
He knew he had no patience to be nice.

He scaled the walls with his bare hands,
Her voice gave him such superhuman ability,
And when he saw her, he was in heaven's lands,
For sure, she was his bounty!

A gasp!
Startled that she stopped short,
Her trembling hands she clasped,
And leaned on the wall for some support.

Her knees were buckling,
She was confused,
Her heart was a-galloping,
And he looked amused.

Hours became days,
Days became weeks,
Their hearts were ablaze,
And he wanted to show her the seas, the mountains and creeks.

Alas, it was not meant to be,
For the witch would never give away her prized possession,
Hell had not known such fury,
Too great was the witch's obsession.

'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair,
So that I might climb thy golden stair,'
Instead he was met with a murderous and hellish glare,
It was his worst nightmare.

He fell from the tower,
Against the witch he had no power,
She crushed his heart into a million pieces,
And sliced his body with deep gashes.

Years had passed,
And yet, they both could not forget the past,
She had lost her song,
And he would think of her all-day long.

She was no longer youthful,
Her golden hue was now a brown matte,
No longer a damsel,
Instead looking like a wombat.

She vowed never again to speak or sing,
For it brought such intense aching,
If only she knew,
If only she would sing,
She would break the voodoo,
And they would have their breakthrough,
For he was the severely scarred, one-legged guy,
Whom she saw fishing at the great bayou!

You're A Housewife???

1. You're a housewife? WHY???

Why??

Simply because I enjoy being tortured by the slave-master called house chores.

Because I enjoy doing laundry, changing sheets, keeping laundry under the freaking hot sun and then the-never-ending folding them.

Because I enjoy cracking my brain everyday (yes, I have a brain, unlike you) to how to cook different dishes 7 days a week, 31 days a month, 12 months a year.

Because I enjoy washing dishes.

Because I enjoy washing toilet bowls.

Because I enjoy and revel in cleaning dust.
(*snigger snigger)

2. You're a housewife? You didn't finish your studies?

You're a human being? How come you don't have brains?

3. You're a housewife? But you did finish your studies right?

You mean being a housewife = stupid??

How about this equation?

Human + stupid = Walking Dead.
Solution: Just pierce the Walking Dead in the head and they'll crumble to the ground, and then uurrm, well, dead.

4. You're a housewife? WHAT??!!

You're a human being but an idiot! What!!!

5. You're a housewife? When are you returning to work?

I AM WORKING AT HOME, YOU NINCOMPOOP!

6. You're a housewife? Wah, everyday shake legs lah! So 'good life' lah you!

The only thing that will be shaking is your head. I will shake that head of yours to check how puny your brain is (that is IF you have any.)

7. You're a housewife? You couldn't find a job???

YOU should find a job in the sewers because it suits you and that I think you're related to the dirty pests called rats.

8. You're a housewife? Are you insane????

Yes, I am insane for conversing with a moron!

9. You're a housewife? I would have been insane if I were you.

You ARE insane. There's no doubt about it.

10. You're a housewife..........................

Yes, I am a housewife. Do you have any idea what that means?

That means I keep the house running well, just like how the CEO runs a company.

I am the cleaner, the driver, the gardener, the chef, the errand boy/girl, the nurse/doctor, the shit-pee-puke cleaner, the organiser, the teacher, the everybody-rolled-into-one.

I am the person who can't take a MC when I am sick! Even when I am on MC, I still have to keep the house running. (Unlike hubby and son who do get MCs and then just swallow pills and zonk out for days.)

I am overworked, understaffed and underpaid.

I am the Chief Minister of Home Affairs!

I am a HOUSEWIFE!

The Year of The Snake!

Listen! Listen! Listen!

This is the Year of the Snake,
May it be smooth,
And all bad karma be removed.

This is the Year of the Snake,
Though 365 days may be long,
Let a new song slither in at the break of each dawn!

This is the Year of the Snake,
May good fortune bite you in your shins,
And your coffers never shrink.

This is the Year of the Snake,
May you develope a thicker skin,
Each and every time you shed.

This is the Year of the Snake,
Learn to be agile and flexible,
Never once hiss that life is terrible.

This is the Year of the Snake,
Sink your fangs into every opportunity that life brings you,
Let all things be anew,
And never, ever be a pet at the zoo!

Top FIVE Ways to Parenting (The LISTEN Version)

Since we Malaysians are so into LISTENING these days, let me list down the top sure-fail FIVE ways to parenting your kids!

1. When I speak, you LISTEN! (Oh, by the way, what was your question again?)

2. You want to tell me about your problems???? Let me tell you who has more problems than you. The dogs, the cats, and the sharks. Heck, even the GOATS and COWS have more problems than you. And you know why the dogs have problems? It is because they only know how to bark. They can't SPEAK!!!!!! (Which brings me to my next point!)

3. If you do not like staying in my house, you can always move to CUBA!!!!! Or even Argentina.

4. You must RESPECT me! That is why I am your mother. There is this age gap which you MUST respect. This is why you have a grandmother, father, grandfather, aunt, uncle, grandaunt, granduncle... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH......................

5. Listen!
    LISten!
    LisTen!
    LISTEN!
    ListEn!
    lisTEN!
    li$teN!
    ListEn!!!
    LiStEn!
    LISTEn!
    LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Let me speak....
    Let me speak....
    Let me SPEAK!
    Let ME speak........

Oh My English (Part 1)

This post is not about parodies, Death or even Idiopathic Anaphylaxis. This post is about the English language and the hilarious snippets which I overheard (they talked way too loud) or from conversations which I had or read. Some made me cringe, smile or burst out laughing. And since laughter is the best medicine, let me share today's post and tickle your funny bone.

1. Excuse me, I can waiting here?

2. I is not knowing. I is do not know.

3. Hello, my nang is ..... (He meant NAME)

4. If you wants to knows more about this particular product, you can seeing Mr. So and So.

5. I cannot speaking English very well. But I WRIKE quite well. (Yes, I can tell that you WRITE extremely well.)

6. Do not running. If you running very fast, you will falling down on your face and it will be brokeRNS.

7. Blinks-blinks that I own. (She meant bling-bling! But it makes me wonder to how many blinking eyes we can own!)

8. If you do not understands the questions, you can always askings me.

9. Is your ear paining? Do you feel paining if I press this part?

10. Conversation between nurse and patient (double-checking patient's data before procedure)
Nurse: When is your birthday?
Patient: My birthday not yet arrive. My birthday long time more.
Nurse: .............. When you born?!
Patient: Oooohhhh... You want my date of birth, you mean.
Nurse: Yes, your BIRTHDAY. I want your BIRTHDAY!

11. (Just before the school bell rings)
A mother: It is going to be 3.30pm. My childrens will be finished soon.

Finished INDEED!

The End of the World - 21.12.2012

So tomorrow is THE day. The day where the world is supposed to end.

This might be my last post. And this might be my last night. Our last night on the beloved planet Earth.

In order to brace ourselves for whatever that might happen at midnight, I've compiled a short list, which I named 'The Ultimate Hollywood's End of the World Survivor's Kit'.

1. Asteroid
If asteroids are the cause for tomorrow's end of the world, we should have sent a group of welders led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck 18 days ago 'cause 'They didn't manage to put the bomb down in a hole 800 feet onto a fault line. Thus all that we're gonna have is a real expensive fireworks show.' And as our world comes to an end, we ought to allow Steve Tyler to screech serenade 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' to send us to the other side. Thank you Harry! Thank you Armageddon!

2. Ice Age
If you encounter the eye of the North American superstorm, make sure you run to the nearest library and burn all the books to keep yourselves from freezing instantly. If you have vending machines around, just break them for food. By doing so you will certainly be alive to see The Day After Tomorrow.

3. Zombies
Zombies are just listless, shuffling Walking Dead. They can't run fast. They all look emaciated. They all make the same gurgling sound. And they are all brainless. So if you find yourselves cornered and trapped in a house with all these Walking Dead clamoring at the front door, look around and escape through the BACK DOOR! Cause non of them will be there. Thank you Walking Dead for this crucial point which you so willingly shared with us. Oh, and before you escape, throw a dead corpse for them to enjoy!

4. Aliens
If indeed the aliens decide to drop by on tomorrow's auspicious date, make sure you DO NOT cross paths with them. But be sure to not wash your hands, brush your teeth, wash your bum-bum after doing the big business, but sneeze everywhere 'till your mucus spews all over and spray your saliva as far as it can get. Why? Because the aliens do not have the immunity against our bacteria. WE do. So if the aliens do come by tomorrow, we'll definitely have won the War of the Worlds even before it has started.

And if you are caught in a war with the Falling Skies, make sure you get your lady impregnated during the midst of uncertain times. THAT will surely spice up your life while you are constantly trying to hide and outrun the mechs, skitters and harnessed children! I wonder how on earth are they going to keep the baby from screaming when they need to hide from the mechs and skitters???!

5. Flood
You should have just build that damn ark! 2012 taught us that! Damn!

The Twilight That Was Totally Out Of Zone!

I have been going through nights of crashing in front of the idiot box as a result of the insomnia. The other night,  I 'marveled' at the audacity of the producers of this show. I mean, who in their right mind would ever have thought of Twilight being successful? After watching a half-hour of one of the trilogy, I switched the TV off and decided to finish the shows by reading the Wikipedia.

Below are 10 VERY important points that I've learned from this show:

1. In order to look like a vampire, you must look as though you've fallen into a pail of flour. You got to look like a person fit for pantomime. Or as pale as Death. Oh wait, vampires ARE dead. Silly me! Oh never mind....

2. In order to eradicate your enemy once and for all, you must get rid of the 'surprise element'. You must announce in a LOUD VOICE to your enemy that you are there in order to give your enemy time to charge, fly into the air towards you and crash into you as the both of you try to crash into as many trees as possible so that THEY can kill you instead. Did I just not make PERFECT sense?

3. In order to attract drop-dead gorgeous guys in your life, you must be/have:
a. WEEPY
b. PATHETIC
c. EXTREMELY LOW-SELF ESTEEM
d. MOPEY
e. THE MOST SOUR-PUSS FACE EVER

4. If you want to kill yourself, you must do it in style. Do it in ITALY. In front of a crowd. And before you die, you must disrobe yourself. Which brings me to my next point.

5. Vampires DO NOT combust into flames in sunlight. They SPARKLE!!!!! Which means they have in-born bling-blings!!! How envious!!!!!

6. Even if you are a vampire which is over 100 years old, you MUST attend high school in order to appear mysterious, and dangerous so that girls in school have something to gossip about fawn over. (And it is VERY important that as a vampire you must blend in as your identity must be kept an absolute secret.)

7. The vampire 'claims' that as a result of an 'adrenaline rush', he is able to run at super-duper-speed and stop the out-of-control car with his hand and crunch the car instead with his 'adrenaline-rush-super-powers'. WOW! In that case, I need to stock up on Epi-Pens.

8. If you really LOVE someone and want to PROTECT them, announce the break-up in the middle of the forest and then leave them all alone and LOST in the forest so that they can be another vampire's meal. That's the POWER of LOVE!

9. There ARE herbivore vampires!

10. In order for girls to be swooning over the show over and over again melodically, have Bruno Mars write and sing 'It Will Rain' and forever Twilight will be seared in your hearts and minds as you hear that song on repetitive mode! (No wonder it's been raining 3 to 4 times a day over here!)

11. Oh and yes, before I forget, if you want the greatest sex in the entire world, be a vampire. Nothing beats vampire sex!

The Lemon Life

Lemons are sour.

And there is no doubt about that.

So what do you do when life throws you lemons?

You squeeze out every drop of that sour lemon juice. And you add water and sugar to it.

In short, you make lemonade.

And you drink every single drop of it. Even to the very last drop.

Why?

Because that lemonade is going to give you a boost in vitamin C which is a great immunity booster that will help you to ward off viruses.

So in future, if you get lemons thrown at you, pick it up, slice it into half, squeeze out every drop of its juice, and then smile and say, 'Lemonade, anyone?'

24 Hours

If I had 24 hours left to live,

I would definitely not waste it on grief.

If I had 24 hours left on this Earth,

I would certainly spend it in mirth.

If I had 24 hours left to be in this body,

I would not waste it on a dandy.

If I had 24 hours worth of breath,

I would not go through it worrying about Death.

I would spend 24 hours 

Being dizzy with Life

Inhale the beauty of the Flowers

Into the deepest ocean I will dive

Climb the highest tower

And view the world's greatest splendor

I would live 24 hours

Bathing in all range of colours

Run through the fields of gold

And hear the raindrops with all their beauties untold

Glide to the highest point of life

And fly with the eagles of bold

If I had 24 hours left in this life,

I would not strive,

For when one crosses over the chasms of eternity,

24 hours is but for a moment. 

Dead Man Walking

Am I there?
Am I not?
Have we not arrived the day before midnight?
But yet I had thought...

Bed of roses
Growing through the thorns
Just like Moses
Who struggled through their groans

The dead man walking
Through these endless tunnels
Though my heart beats in me,
The chasms of darkness

The boisterous slaughter
Of an apple gone bad
It wounds ever after
Though the incision was in precision

The dead man walking
Bursting forth
From six feet under
And no more
Left, right, front and centre
Like an eagle he will soar
Out of the grave
The dead man walking
This ship will no more be a-docking
Sailing in the seas of poison and wine.

The dead man walking...

The Paparazzi Plague!

'Eva Longoria stumbles on sky-high heels!' screams the headlines. I have nothing against Eva Longoria except that her bit*hy, whiny character on 'Desperado Housewives' do get on my nerves whenever I happen to come across it when I am flipping channels.

Anyway, I too stumble, even with both feet FLAT on the ground. Isn't that newsworthy too? I mean, who the hell cares that she was wearing sky high heels and was struggling to walk on them? Practically that tiny stone that you throw will hit at least 10 women with *uck-me-heels. 

It is as if we are living in times of 'We-Want-To-Know-It-All-Even-The-Colour-Of-Their-Shit'. Yeah, so they dyed their hair green with streaks of purple and red and shaved a star-shape-out-of-it. So it seems that they eat their fish and arrange the fish bones in alphabetical order after they're done eating. So he screams and jumps on the couch proclaiming his love for her. So what?! 

This obsession has become so unhealthy, that it feels totally surreal to the point that people are making it into a religion and fantasy is worshipped. And if you worship fantasy, there will come a time where you will fall so hard and deep into the chasms of Tinkerbell that you might never, ever return from the 'NeverLand'.

Imagine being 50 and getting a heart attack as a result of reading Eva Logoria's sky-high stilettos breaking into half.

Truly.

Tragic.