The Keyboard Warrior

I am sure you have come across warriors in your life.

There are those who are the brave firefighters who fight fires to save lives. They are the fire warriors.

Then there are the policemen who risk their lives to protect the citizens from harm and to prevent crime. They are the crime warriors. Protector of the people.

And there are those who battle fatal diseases. Fighting for their lives and yet still full of life. They are warriors too.

And then, there are the keyboard warriors.

Yes.

You read that right.

The keyboard warriors.

I think I heard you blink.

What on earth are keyboard warriors you ask.

They are the online warriors who defend the effigy of truth. They defend it ever so passionately that it makes you want to cry from their audacity sincerity.

Let me enlighten your mind on how the keyboard warriors defend the helpless people in the world of the internet.

1. The Righteous Slappers

Miss A: I've tried your recipe twice and it still isn't happening.
Miss B: (Gives a few more suggestions in order to help Miss A.)
Miss A: What am I going to do with all that I've made which didn't turn out so well?
Miss B: (Gives some other suggestion to Miss A.)
Miss A: I do not know how to make the things you've suggested.
Miss B: If there's really no choice, maybe you would have to throw it away.

Miss A goes livid and starts a new post stating that she wants to SLAP Miss B as she had the sheer audacity to even suggest that she throws away whatever shit awesome creation that she had made. Miss A continues to rant that Miss B lied in her recipe. Thus, the failure in Miss A two attempts in replicating Miss B's recipe. And Miss A continues to rant that she wants to slap Miss B's face as she is so INCENSED at Miss B's 'throw-away' suggestion. 'So wasted you know!!!!!!!! She thinks money grows on trees issit????!!!!!!!!'

2. All Hail the Lover-Keeper-Of-All-Things-Alive

SUZY posts a video of a sickly stray dog near her place. She appeals for someone to help the dog. Soon her post is filled with comments.

A: Why did you not bring the dog to the vet instead of asking for help? Aren't you a hypocrite?
B: Please lah. Be more compassionate. You should bring the dog into your house, bathe it and take care of it. God created all animals and God will love you more if you rescue this dog.
C: Stop judging Suzy you people. I'm sure if she could, she would. Maybe she's not financially well off.
D: STFU you #%*$@&$* C! HOW MUCH DOES IT TAKE TO TAKE CARE OF A SICK DOG???!! MAY YOU BE BITTEN WITH A THOUSAND FLEAS ON A CAMEL'S BACK FOR NOT HAVING COMPASSION FOR THAT POOR DOG!
E: Anyone can help with the dog? If I lived nearby I would. Please, anyone?? My heart is bleeding just watching the video! (CRIES)
F: Someone should just shoot Suzy and C for not doing enough for the dog. It's a living being! (SOBS)
G: #^#**@^#^!^&@&#^!^^@#
H: F*CK!!!!!! How can anyone leave the dog out there to die!!???!!! God help humanity.

Soon, Suzy takes down the post.

3. The Cannot-Take-The-F@CK-Word Holy of Holies Holier Than Thou Art

WEEPY: FML! I had such a F8cking day today! Everything went F*cking wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F*CK!!!!!!
Saint Anonymous: STOP CURSING AND SWEARING. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR CURSING AND SWEARING. DID YOUR MOTHER NOT TEACH YOU NOT TO CURSE AND SWEAR???? YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO YOUR MOTHER!!! GO AND REPENT. I HOPE YOU STILL HAVE SOME CONSCIENCE AND WILL REMOVE THIS POST!!! I EXPECT TO SEE THIS POST GONE BY TOMORROW!!!!

4. The Opinion-Slasher

A: I am just voicing my opinion.
B: You should think before you type. You know people like you do not deserve to be in this world. How you could even type out such a thing is beyond me. You should just kill yourself and do justice to this world.

Aren't the keyboard warriors awesome? I think I better go STFU before someone wants to slap me and send me to the dog pound so that justice can be done!

The Clean Freak

I have to admit that I have an alter ego. And no, she ain't no Sasha Fierce. Or Marilyn Manson. But, my alter ego keeps me 'safe' but drives other people insane at the same time. I don't give a damn, fortunately.

She is 'The Clean Freak'.

You see, I cannot help switching to my alter ego most of the time. (Yikes! Has alter ego taken over completely?) Alter ego helps me to be safe as I might fall sick every other day since I cannot take any supplements or vitamins or any concoctions and am allergic to any other medications too!

So here are my 'clean-freak' methods which my alter-ego has helped me device in order to keep me safe:

1. Beware of the 'Cough Cloud'

According to my alter-ego's theory, the moment someone coughs, a 'cloud-cough' will form. It is a cloud filled with germs and virus and sputum from the 'cough-ee'. So the moment someone coughs, my legs will automatically detour my walk. Alter ego will cause my legs to walk to different aisles to look at things that are unnecessary to look at. It will lead me to walk in bigger circles to reach the department store that I was heading to. And if I cannot avoid the 'cough-cloud' in time, alter-ego will give me super-powers to hold my breath and perform an Olympic-worthy of breath-holding-competition until I have steered clear of the 'cough-cloud'.

2. The Wipe-Down

Everything new that is brought into the house will be wiped clean and if it can be washed, it will be hosed down. Be it the container that the bean curd is packed in or the new container that will be used for compost. It. Will. Be. Cleaned. Even the vegetables that is packed in plastic bags. Even the toilet roll bag. Even the beans that are packed in the sealed bag. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!

Alter ego is very concerned about leptospirosis which at the moment has reached an alarming level in Malaysia. Click on LINK to read more. Alter ego wants you to know that we have rats the size of cats over here!

3. Wash Thy Feet

The moment anyone steps out of the house, alter ego will make sure that the person washes his/her feet. And it cannot be a slip shod wash. It must be a thorough wash under running water. Even though if the feet stepped out of the house for 1 minute, it must be washed. For all you know, the stray cat could have walked on the same path and as the feet walks (yes, even with slippers), the 'germs' or 'virus' could waft up from the ground and land on the feet. And then the 'germs' and 'virus' are brought into the house!!! Eeewww! So wash thy feet!

4. No Sitting Please!

When you come home from an outing or gardening, alter ego will MAKE SURE that you change your clothes before you can even place 1/168 of your bum on the chair or even the floor. And for God's sake, go take a bathe. For all you know, you could have thousands of cough clouds attached to your clothing!

5. Wash the Throne!

Alter ego washes the throne after every 'poo business'. The throne is pristine and shiny after each and every session.

6. Only PJs in Bed!

No home clothes whatsoever. Alter ego said that you might have a crumb stuck to your T-shirt left over from supper. And there is NO WAY alter ego will let you go to bed in a crumb-stuck-on-shirt! And please wash your feet before you climb into bed. Yes, it is COMPULSORY!

7. Eating ONLY at the Dining Table

And nowhere else. Not at the sofa. Definitely NOT in bed! Alter ego HATES ants and cockroaches and lizards and rats and every other crawling thing that do not belong in the house.

8. The Wet Ones Dispensary 

You need a wet ones? Alter ego has hundreds. Maybe even thousands. Or tens of thousands. The trolley handle bar gets wiped before it is used. Little one's hands get wiped upon hopping on the car after an outing at the mall. Alter ego wipes her hands after handling the petrol pump, paying money, touching toilet doors... etc.

9. No Sitting to Pee!

Alter ego will never, ever, EVER let her bum touch a millimeter of those public toilet bowls. Alter ego will either find a squatting toilet or do the hover-while-standing-on-floor-manuever over a sitting toilet to pee. She will say, 'Over my dead body' if you ever suggest to her to sit on those bowls.

10. No Recycling of Clothes

Never! All clothes will be worn only ONCE and then it will be thrown into the washing machine to be washed. No dirty clothes will be hung behind the room door. Nothing is recycled. Not even if it was worn for 5 minutes outside of the house. Not even the jacket. You might never know, your clothing could have 'cough clouds' glued to it!

How can you say no to Little Miss Clean Freak?

Top FIVE Ways to Parenting (The LISTEN Version)

Since we Malaysians are so into LISTENING these days, let me list down the top sure-fail FIVE ways to parenting your kids!

1. When I speak, you LISTEN! (Oh, by the way, what was your question again?)

2. You want to tell me about your problems???? Let me tell you who has more problems than you. The dogs, the cats, and the sharks. Heck, even the GOATS and COWS have more problems than you. And you know why the dogs have problems? It is because they only know how to bark. They can't SPEAK!!!!!! (Which brings me to my next point!)

3. If you do not like staying in my house, you can always move to CUBA!!!!! Or even Argentina.

4. You must RESPECT me! That is why I am your mother. There is this age gap which you MUST respect. This is why you have a grandmother, father, grandfather, aunt, uncle, grandaunt, granduncle... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH......................

5. Listen!
    LISten!
    LisTen!
    LISTEN!
    ListEn!
    lisTEN!
    li$teN!
    ListEn!!!
    LiStEn!
    LISTEn!
    LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Let me speak....
    Let me speak....
    Let me SPEAK!
    Let ME speak........

The End of the World - 21.12.2012

So tomorrow is THE day. The day where the world is supposed to end.

This might be my last post. And this might be my last night. Our last night on the beloved planet Earth.

In order to brace ourselves for whatever that might happen at midnight, I've compiled a short list, which I named 'The Ultimate Hollywood's End of the World Survivor's Kit'.

1. Asteroid
If asteroids are the cause for tomorrow's end of the world, we should have sent a group of welders led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck 18 days ago 'cause 'They didn't manage to put the bomb down in a hole 800 feet onto a fault line. Thus all that we're gonna have is a real expensive fireworks show.' And as our world comes to an end, we ought to allow Steve Tyler to screech serenade 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' to send us to the other side. Thank you Harry! Thank you Armageddon!

2. Ice Age
If you encounter the eye of the North American superstorm, make sure you run to the nearest library and burn all the books to keep yourselves from freezing instantly. If you have vending machines around, just break them for food. By doing so you will certainly be alive to see The Day After Tomorrow.

3. Zombies
Zombies are just listless, shuffling Walking Dead. They can't run fast. They all look emaciated. They all make the same gurgling sound. And they are all brainless. So if you find yourselves cornered and trapped in a house with all these Walking Dead clamoring at the front door, look around and escape through the BACK DOOR! Cause non of them will be there. Thank you Walking Dead for this crucial point which you so willingly shared with us. Oh, and before you escape, throw a dead corpse for them to enjoy!

4. Aliens
If indeed the aliens decide to drop by on tomorrow's auspicious date, make sure you DO NOT cross paths with them. But be sure to not wash your hands, brush your teeth, wash your bum-bum after doing the big business, but sneeze everywhere 'till your mucus spews all over and spray your saliva as far as it can get. Why? Because the aliens do not have the immunity against our bacteria. WE do. So if the aliens do come by tomorrow, we'll definitely have won the War of the Worlds even before it has started.

And if you are caught in a war with the Falling Skies, make sure you get your lady impregnated during the midst of uncertain times. THAT will surely spice up your life while you are constantly trying to hide and outrun the mechs, skitters and harnessed children! I wonder how on earth are they going to keep the baby from screaming when they need to hide from the mechs and skitters???!

5. Flood
You should have just build that damn ark! 2012 taught us that! Damn!

The Twilight That Was Totally Out Of Zone!

I have been going through nights of crashing in front of the idiot box as a result of the insomnia. The other night,  I 'marveled' at the audacity of the producers of this show. I mean, who in their right mind would ever have thought of Twilight being successful? After watching a half-hour of one of the trilogy, I switched the TV off and decided to finish the shows by reading the Wikipedia.

Below are 10 VERY important points that I've learned from this show:

1. In order to look like a vampire, you must look as though you've fallen into a pail of flour. You got to look like a person fit for pantomime. Or as pale as Death. Oh wait, vampires ARE dead. Silly me! Oh never mind....

2. In order to eradicate your enemy once and for all, you must get rid of the 'surprise element'. You must announce in a LOUD VOICE to your enemy that you are there in order to give your enemy time to charge, fly into the air towards you and crash into you as the both of you try to crash into as many trees as possible so that THEY can kill you instead. Did I just not make PERFECT sense?

3. In order to attract drop-dead gorgeous guys in your life, you must be/have:
a. WEEPY
b. PATHETIC
c. EXTREMELY LOW-SELF ESTEEM
d. MOPEY
e. THE MOST SOUR-PUSS FACE EVER

4. If you want to kill yourself, you must do it in style. Do it in ITALY. In front of a crowd. And before you die, you must disrobe yourself. Which brings me to my next point.

5. Vampires DO NOT combust into flames in sunlight. They SPARKLE!!!!! Which means they have in-born bling-blings!!! How envious!!!!!

6. Even if you are a vampire which is over 100 years old, you MUST attend high school in order to appear mysterious, and dangerous so that girls in school have something to gossip about fawn over. (And it is VERY important that as a vampire you must blend in as your identity must be kept an absolute secret.)

7. The vampire 'claims' that as a result of an 'adrenaline rush', he is able to run at super-duper-speed and stop the out-of-control car with his hand and crunch the car instead with his 'adrenaline-rush-super-powers'. WOW! In that case, I need to stock up on Epi-Pens.

8. If you really LOVE someone and want to PROTECT them, announce the break-up in the middle of the forest and then leave them all alone and LOST in the forest so that they can be another vampire's meal. That's the POWER of LOVE!

9. There ARE herbivore vampires!

10. In order for girls to be swooning over the show over and over again melodically, have Bruno Mars write and sing 'It Will Rain' and forever Twilight will be seared in your hearts and minds as you hear that song on repetitive mode! (No wonder it's been raining 3 to 4 times a day over here!)

11. Oh and yes, before I forget, if you want the greatest sex in the entire world, be a vampire. Nothing beats vampire sex!